A different kind of ghost

Have you ever heard of the term "ghosting"? I'm not talking about something Halloween related, although the timing of that would make sense. I'm talking about something that has to do with relationships.

The dictionary definition I am referring to is: The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation, withdrawing from all communication. 

Have you ever experienced a time in your life when you were friends with someone, or at least you were beginning to build a friendship with someone, and then all of a sudden, they disappeared from your life with no explanation.  Maybe you tried to reach out to them, but they either ignored your efforts, or made up some sort of excuse for their absence from your life. Maybe they said something like, "I've just been really busy with work lately." You gave it some time, then you tried again to reach out to them, maybe even a few more times. Perhaps at some point, you tried to apologize for anything you might have done to upset or offend them thinking maybe their absence was your fault. And maybe, just maybe, after all of your efforts, you are still left to your own assumptions as to why the relationship ended.

Sound familiar?

I have personally experienced this many times in my own life.  Over the course of my 36 years, I have lost people, who I believed at the time, were going to be "forever friends". I've lost some new friendships that were just beginning to form; and I've even lost some family members to ghosting. It's been said that "time heals all wounds". I don't completely agree with that statement, but I DO know that time has given me the ability to reflect on past relationships and to examine myself.  Through those self-reflection times, I asked God to search my heart and show me if there is any wrong way in me (Psalm 139:23-24), I have been able to, at times, pinpoint some instances where I know I made some mistakes, or times that I probably could have said or done something different.

There were times I realized I played a part in the ghosting response, and so I made attempts to apologize for things I know I was responsible for. I've experienced those apologies being ignored altogether, or the other person had no interest in reconciling the relationship. Sometimes, after asking God to reveal any wrong way in me, I realize that the separation was nothing I personally did or didn't do, the person just wanted to end the relationship with no explanation.  I have learned that sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we are just left with unanswered questions....wishing things could be different.

I was "ghosted" again recently.  It's happened to me before, so this time, I could see it coming.  At least I was able to brace myself this time, I guess.  It still hurts though.  I don't think I'll ever get used to losing people I truly care about.

I believe there is an element of grieving that takes place when you lose someone from your life in such an abrupt way.  Sometimes the grief feels very similar to the grief you experience when someone close to you dies - after all, you know you are never going to be able to see or speak to them again.  Except, this pain is different because you know the person is still out there, just refusing to be in your life.

Ghosting can happen to anyone, but we Christians know how to do it really well.  It's as if the "love your neighbor as yourself" command doesn't really apply to us after all. Rather, we only love each other until we have differing views, until someone says something that rubs us the wrong way, or until one is not useful to the other.  As long as we are in agreement with each other, the relationship is solid. Anything short of agreement means abandonment.

I do my best to trust God in all things, but this can be a tough one to trust Him through.  It is hard to understand why God would bring people into our lives, just to take them away so quickly and with such pain attached to their exit.  I want to share with you what I found in scripture that has helped me find peace and comfort in the midst of loss. I know what it's like to lose people, either by death, or by their choosing.  Either way, it hurts.  But God promises to be our comfort in the midst of our pain.

Here are a few verses that have helped me in time of loss:

Psalm 147:3 - He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 27:10 - Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.

Deuteronomy 31:6 - Your God, the Lord Himself, will be with you.  He will not fail you or abandon you. 

Psalm 34:18 - The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 

John 16:33 - "I have told you all this so that you will have peace in me.  Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." - Jesus

Rest assured - even when people hurt us, God promises to never leave us.

Now to the ghosters:
Ghosting someone is a selfish, cowardly thing to do. If you have been guilty of ghosting someone, I would encourage you to re-think that decision.  Chances are, the person you bailed on was hurt by your decision to ignore them.  I would like to challenge you to swallow your pride and reach out to the person you abandoned.

I believe that God brings people into our lives even if it is only for a short time.  I am thankful for each person He's put me in contact with, even the "ghosters", because each relationship has helped make me into the person I am today - stronger than I was before.