Putting my dreams to sleep

It's been 6 months since my last blog. I even gave it a new look since it's been so long! So many things happened during that time... 
 
Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Our 12^th wedding anniversary, 2 family deaths, birthdays, & weddings have all come and gone in that time. November through January was a very trying time for our family as our daughter's body was caught off guard by a very intrusive, painful illness.  By God's grace though, she has recovered. She is still working on her foot being "normal" again, but we praise God that she is no longer ill!

Last Sunday (March 15) we said goodbye to a great group of friends (family, really) and our church home for the last 5 ½ years, to move to another town we feel called to - Kory's home town of Collinsville, Illinois. 

There is always a back-story to big changes like these...so, stay with me if you will:
When I married my husband Kory, he was a drywall delivery guy during the week, and a professional wrestler on the weekends.   I was working as a temp at a local TV station, and we were struggling to make our new relationship work.  We had very conflicting ideas of what life should be like.

He always dreamed of "making it big" in the wrestling business, which would provide a great income for our family, but would require him to be away from home a lot. 

My dream was to live in the country, on a large piece wooded land, where my husband would come home from work to dinner cooked by his stay-at-home wife, and in the evenings we would sit outside on our big front porch drinking sweet tea, watching 2 little kids run around and play on our beautiful, safe property.  I am in introvert, so that sounded like the “dream life” to me.  Since I was a child, all I really knew about myself was that I was supposed to be a wife and a stay-at-home mom; however, when I met Kory, I knew right away that he had been born for something BIG.  I didn't know what that was exactly since at the time since he was a professional wrestler, but I hoped whatever it was, it would fit into MY dream, and not his. 

Then life happened.  Due to a nerve injury, Kory was forced to take a break from wrestling.  During that time, he discovered some things that he has been missing out on at home - his wife and kids.  And so....he quit.  Just walked away.  And the crazy thing about it, is that he has just been offered a huge wrestling opportunity that could have landed us in Florida, making good money - living his DREAM!  But...he felt like he was supposed to walk away from it all with no real explanation as to why at the time. 

Fast forward some years and we found ourselves moving from Ferguson to Troy, MO.  We didn't really know why we were moving to Troy at the time.  We didn't have family or friends there, but every time we would drive out that direction to look at houses, we just kept feeling a pull to that city.  So, we bought a house - in a subdivision on about 1/4 acre with no trees (go figure). Our kids were 2 and 4 years old at the time (we got the kid part of my dream right!  HA!)
Within a couple of weeks, we found a church - Journey Church - the place that we would make our church home...for the next 5 1/2 years.  During that time, we served...A LOT.  We involved ourselves in everything that was offered.  But our main passion while at Journey was teens. Kory became the "official" youth pastor in 2011.  (If you are wondering how in the world he went from being a wrestler, to a youth pastor at a church, I would LOVE to fill in those gaps for you, but those details are way too long for this specific blog). We spent countless hours with high school students, and we loved every minute of it.  When we became youth pastors, there was a group of teens who were just becoming freshmen, and now, as we are leaving, they are seniors getting ready to graduate! Needless to say, many strong bonds have been formed between our family and many others at the church.  When you spend hours and hours with the same people, they become like family.  Even our children have grown to love it here - this is the only home they have ever known. We absolutely love the people we have been blessed to share life with here in Troy.  That is why leaving this town and a paid church position, to go to another town where we don’t even know where our income is going to come from, to start a ministry within the community – all by ourselves, is completely irrational to most people we talk to. 

Here's what I know.  Sometimes this life just doesn't make sense.  That's just the truth of it.   Sometimes GOD doesn't make sense.  After all, why would He want to take us from a great little town like Troy (and yes I DO think it is a great little town) and all the people we've come to know and love, to move us to a place like Collinsville, IL.  It has never been my "dream" (OR my husband's for that matter) to move there.  In fact, Kory is FROM Collinsville, so how is it that he is about to find himself right back in his home town? Collinsville doesn't have farm land where I could find my dream home.  In fact, the house we are buying is the exact opposite of that.  But the crazy thing is...it's where we are supposed to be.  I believe that with 100% certainty and I'm at peace with what we are going to go do.

WHY??  Because this is not our home anyway!  This is just a stopping place before we get to our "real" home in Heaven.  Of course I'm going to dream of a more beautiful place, where safety and comfort abounds....because I wasn’t made for this world!

Could we move somewhere else instead of IL?  Of course we could!  We have a blank canvas! We could have that 'perfect' house, in the 'perfect' place and somehow justify that decision and claim we are serving God wherever that might be.  But the fact of the matter is, we would be living in disobedience and I can not imagine how unsettling and agonizing it would be to know that we chose OUR dream over God's will for our lives.

1 John 2:16-17 says: For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world.  And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.

Our family has learned so much in the past 5 1/2 years.  Lessons that I now understand were to prepare us for what we are going to go do now. The biggest lesson of all that I have learned since moving to Troy (and I do mean THE biggest) is – SURRENDER.  It’s just one word, but it has been THE hardest lesson I’ve had to walk through.

No matter how hard I try to control my life, no matter how much I scream and cry when God shows me something new to do that doesn’t fit into my idea of comfort, I am brought to the realization every single time that my life does not belong to me like I thought it did. 

And honestly, if you call yourself a Christian (a Christ-follower) then it's the same for you too. We've all heard someone say "It's YOUR life, do what makes YOU happy", right? Well, I can tell you that not everything God asks me to do makes me "happy".  There have been many times that I have cried and pleaded with God over something He's told my family to do, and I don't remember happiness being one of the emotions I was feeling at the time.

The thing is, God wants all of His creation (us) to be with Him, (2 Peter 3:9 says…He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent.) and the only way that is going to happen is if we as Christ followers, tell people about His love for them.  While my family could stay where we are, and continue to do what we feel comfortable doing (being youth pastors), God has spoken very clearly to my husband and I that our time here in Troy is over.  We were here for a season...to learn and grow into the people God needs us to be for this next step in our lives and the lives of the people we are going to meet in IL.  We have been called to share God's love with people in a city that I am completely unfamiliar with, but I know that I will soon feel is home just like we felt here in Troy. 

Kory's "dream" hasn’t happen the way he envisioned it.  Neither has mine.  We won't be moving into my "dream home".  My husband will be starting all over in the work force at who knows where, when we get to IL.  Our kids will  be exposed to things that I am “uncomfortable with” in order for us to love the broken and hurting people around us.  But God is reshaping my dreams…into what HE wants them to be - so if that means putting my dreams to sleep for now, then I surrender myself to that.  

One day, when I get to Heaven, I know we will have a beautiful house with all of the things I thought I needed here on earth.  But for now, my dream is to see hurting people experience God’s love in a way they've never experienced before; and I am so very humbled by the fact that He chooses to use an imperfect family like my own, to do just that.