I want you to notice that in this post, I am referring to believers being sinned against. I’m not talking about our unbelieving friends, and I’m not talking about ‘feeling’ offended because someone has “rubbed us the wrong way”. I’m talking about when another believer sins against us, how we are to handle it.
So what do we do when we feel that someone has sinned against us? The very first thing we should do is PRAY. Before we even consider confronting someone about their sin, we need to seek God and ask Him to show us any sin in our own life. Through our prayer time, we should ask Him to show us the next step we are to take. We must not react immediately in our flesh, because sometimes our flesh is wrong; but rather we are to seek the Spirit's guidance first. In 2 Timothy 2:23, Paul says: "Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will."
The goal between Christians, should always be repentance and reconciliation. There should be no selfish or prideful spirit in us when approaching a brother or sister in Christ who has sinned against us.
The Bible has given us instructions for how to handle this issue. Allow me to share Jesus' words with you:
In Matthew 18:15-18, Jesus said:
15. “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector."
I think Jesus’ words were pretty clear when he described the order of how things are supposed to go down when another believer sins against us. To me, this is not a “grey” or confusing issue. It is a straightforward, 3 step process, in which it seems to me that the best-case-scenario would be to try to attempt to reconcile during step 1. However, we all know that is not how things always go, due to the fact that reconciliation is an act between TWO people. Unfortunately, we cannot control the response of the other person. Let’s look a little further into step 1.
First, Jesus said “If your brother sins against you, GO and tell HIM his fault, between you and him ALONE.”
That means that we are to GO to the person directly who has sinned against us. Jesus didn’t say to go talk to another friend, or to another church member, or even to the pastor!! Jesus said to go to HIM and keep it between you and him ALONE. If the person listens and repents, then we are to forgive. (In Matthew 6:14-15 Jesus said: “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”)
Seems pretty straightforward to me. However, in our churches today, people like to disguise gossip as “prayer requests”, or go to others for “advice” about how to handle a grievance with someone. I believe there are several reasons why it is best to keep things between the two people involved, but for the sake of time, let’s just say the reason is because Jesus told us to!
Unfortunately, because of our sinful nature, often times, we would rather gossip and damage our brother’s (or sister’s) reputation, than confront him/her in private. It’s ironic to me that while the thought of confronting a brother or sister in Christ might produce feelings of fear or anxiety, they do not seem to fear telling all of their friends about the offense! Instead, the gossip is somehow justified by the gossiper, and often times disguised to others as artificial care and concern.
Jesus obviously knew that not every situation would be reconciled between the two people involved, so he went on further to step 2.
Verse 16 says: “But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.”
Notice, there is an order to this. We are only supposed to move on to step 2 AFTER step 1 and only IF he/she does not listen to you when you go alone. We don’t START the process with step 2. And we don’t move to step 2 just because we are uncomfortable with step 1. We move on to step 2 IF he/she does not listen. If that is the result, THEN we are to take one or two others along so that there may be witnesses of the reconciliation process, (or so that they may witness the lack of repentance from the person being accused of sinning).
That brings us to step 3.
Vs 17. “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector."
This does not mean that after an unsuccessful step 2, we are to take the person before the entire congregation and announce the sin to a 1,000+ people (which is the number of church attendees in some congregations today). The more logical step to take, would be to take them before a larger group of believers within the church. If the church is in agreement that a sin has in fact been committed, then a 3rd opportunity to repent should be offered. If the offender STILL refuses to repent and be reconciled, then, after the church has used discernment through prayer and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, then, and only then, should the church dismiss him/her from the body. This doesn't mean that we no longer care for and pray for the person, we should still pray for them to seek God and repent, however, we are to cut ties with them.
There is one more thing I want to say about forgiveness. If at any point in this process, the offender repents, we MUST FORGIVE!! Right after Jesus speaks, Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive a brother who sins against him. Jesus replied “seventy-seven times”. Matthew 18:21
Why so many times? Because we have absolutely no excuse to withhold forgiveness from someone after all Jesus has forgiven US! He forgives us over and over and over, and we are to do the same with a repentant brother or sister in Christ.
Let me ask you, is this how you see things handled in the church today? If it’s not, it’s time to start holding our fellow Christians responsible. This is a weighty issue that has the potential to have either a positive or negative ETERNAL impact! If handled correctly, the impact could be forgiveness and reconciliation not only to the believers involved, but to God. If handled in the flesh, the consequences could be devastating, not only to the body of believers as a whole, but to the individuals involved.
Has someone sinned against you? Have you sinned against someone else? Go today and seek to reconcile! It was important enough for Jesus to talk about it. It should be just as important to us as believers as well.
And please….when you go, begin with step 1.
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